Tuesday , 23 January 2018
Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence (DV) is a very personal topic for me and I feel very strong about my views, as I discuss this topic with you. This topic might be something you yourself have personally been through or have known someone who has been through domestic violence. When I started my blog I made the decision that I would need and want to share some of my own life experiences with many of you the readers whom I have never talked with in person. I as well know that my family that is reading my blog and close friends will also learn more about my personal life than they had in the past after reading this.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary domestic violence means :  the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also :  a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior.

Stop-domestic-violence

I want to share my own story of domestic violence and what I went through. I had never talked with anyone about what was going on when it was happening. I felt embarrassed that I was in a situation that I wasn’t sure if I would ever get out of and if I would get out alive. I would say little things here and there to two of my friends that I had at the time just to make them aware that something wasn’t right with my living situation and the person I was in a relationship with, but I would never actually come out and say this man was abusing me. I always had a fear I might one day end up dead or missing.

It all started around March of 2008. I had moved from Michigan to another state where I had only been living in the new state for about 6 months at the time. I didn’t have any family that moved with me so I was by myself and I was trying to get a feel for the environment and the people. I met this guy Tony and he seemed like an okay guy and I figured since I didn’t really know many people why not get to know this guy. He was tall 5’11” dark hair and weighed about 250 lbs of muscle so he wasn’t a small guy. Things moved kind of quick for us and before you know it when my lease was up we moved in together. Boy oh boy if I could go back and change things I would. The first change would have never been to get involved with Tony. A big mistake and learning experience for sure. 

The man who I met he portrayed himself to be the total opposite of how he really was when I first met him. Unfortunately for me I didn’t find this out until after we were living together and I found out fast. People tend to show their true colors usually within a couple of months, but in my case it was much faster. Not even 1 month into us living together I started to see the true colors of Tony and just what type of guy he really was that he had been hiding from me. I should have got out then, but I didn’t. 

I found out that he was an alcoholic alcohol   which seemed to trigger anger issues that he had. I remember one time before I was leaving in the morning we got into a big argument because I found out Tony had been sending text messages to this other woman that were sexual and I was not very happy about this. I tried talking to Tony about this and he immediately got defensive and started yelling at me and when I tried to leave he blocked the front door of the house and grabbed me by both arms and was holding me up against the wall and then grabbed my neck and slammed me into the wall and started to squeeze with both hands around my neck. I have some damage to the back of my neck still because of how hard he squeezed me.

I really wish I had left at this point, but I stayed. I made every excuse in my mind to think that he would change. I suppose you could say it was my way of trying to justify that he was sorry and it would never happen again. Things got extremely worse as he would constantly put me down and say things I just couldn’t believe that were coming out of his mouth. I shouldn’t have been in such shock at this point when he did start talking bad to me. He would tell me how I am so ugly he can’t stand to look at me, I am easy to replace, he can trade me in for someone younger and hotter, I am just another face on the case, that no one will ever want to be with me, that I am fat, he would start comparing me to other girls. I put up with this for a very long time at this point it was about 1 yr into the relationship.

We actually ended up moving to another house house1 (I know not a good decision at all). The New Year holiday was getting readyto start and I was really hoping things were going to get better, but I was clearly living off of hopes alone and not seeing the reality of my situation for what it really was, I guess you could say I was still in denial. We were out on New Years with some friends and Tony told me he wanted to be a better man and was going to change his ways. Sometimes we hope so much that things will change we try to make excuses for the person.

Before I knew it Tony started going out every weekend and getting drunk. When I mean drunk I mean really drunk. He rode a motorcycle and would leave around 11 or 12 in the afternoon and not come home until 4 or 5 in the morning many times. Of course if I tried to call him he wouldn’t answer. I would always hear one excuse after another and he would say “My phone was in my pocket, so I didn’t hear you call or feel it vibrate or I would have called you baby.” Clearly that was all lies. I knew deep down when he started to pull those stunts and do this every weekend and would never invite me to go out with him and his friends he was not being faithful and seemed to think I would believe everything he was telling me. Not to mention the pure disrespect he was showing me. 

d3

Well the arguments were getting so bad that many times he would throw food in my face. When I say food, I mean actual food you eat, and he would still put me down telling me I am ugly and fat and I will never be wanted or loved by anyone ever. I started sleeping in a different room. He would come in after a late night of drinking start picking a fight with me and not let me sleep (I was working a full-time job and going to school full-time when this was going on). He would actually pound his fists on the walls and turn all the lights on and at times try to throw stuff at me. I felt trapped and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any money to just up and move out. The lease was in both of our names (which I found out later he just used me to get into the house because I have great credit and he doesn’t, so he couldn’t get the house in just his name so he needed me).

The final straw for me to get out of the relationship and the actions that took place shortly after this opened my eyes like never before. eye1About 2 yrs into the relationship we were out at a restaurant/bar with some of his biker friends and he started hitting on this other girl right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it but he was laughing about it and taunting me at the same time. I actually went and sat away from him at the bar counter inside the restaurant and this couple that I didn’t even know asked me if I was okay. Considering the situation I was okay as I could be at the moment. All I was thinking about is how much of a jerk he is, how mad I am, and it sucks I have to go home and still live with this guy, and I started crying I felt so stupid.

I left around 11:00 pm and went to sleep in the other room when I got home. He didn’t leave with me. Which I was actually happy at this point he didn’t leave and come with me. I can’t even remember how many times if we went somewhere and he started drinking and acting like a jerk he would literally just leave me where we were and I would have to figure out how I was going to get home. It got so bad that I would take my house keys anytime we went somewhere in-case Tony just decided to leave me stranded. You should never have to feel this way it’s not a good feeling.

Well when Tony did finally decide to come home he came strolling in around 3:00 am. Immediately he started telling me its my fault and we start arguing. I told him “I don’t want to talk right now I am very upset with you, just leave me alone we will talk in the morning.” Well he didn’t like that at all. He started yelling really loud so I got out of the bed and walked down the stairs. I made it to the living room and I turned around and he is right next to me. I told him “I am sick of this and the way you treat me, I am not doing this anymore I am done with this relationship and you.” His response to me “Oh well you can’t leave your name is on this lease also.” I told him “I will figure out a way to get out of this lease, I am so done with you.” dv2

So I started to walk away the next thing I know he picks me up and holds me in a bear hug (I am kicking and screaming as loud as I can hoping the neighbors will hear me begging him to put me down). He carry’s me quickly over to the steps that lead up to the bedrooms and walks up a few and he then proceeds to slam me onto the steps right on my back (he knew very well I have a bad back already as I have scoliosis of my spine). So at this point my back and head hit the steps. I couldn’t barely move I was in so much pain and crying uncontrollably and Tony is standing directly over me yelling in my face telling me “You got what you deserved if you wouldn’t have made me mad and said anything this wouldn’t have happened it’s all your fault and you are not leaving me have fun trying.”

I didn’t know what to think. Many thoughts going through my mind dv3 I really started to wonder if he was going to kill me. I knew I had to get out but just how was my concern. I didn’t even care at this point, but I had to figure something out and quick. Since I hadn’t told anyone what was going on not even any family (even though they the lived in other states) I had to come up with a plan and fast. This was a matter of my life or death I felt. I had a feeling if I didn’t leave and soon he would end up killing me as the fights were becoming more and more physical overtime. I never put a hand on him, but he seemed to not even think twice with what he would do to me.

The next morning when I woke up I felt really sore and had some bruises and some head pain. I left early in the morning before he got up (because all the alcohol he had he would probably sleep all day) as I didn’t want to be around him and I was on a mission to figure out how I was going to get out of the lease and move out. I mean the events of the night kept playing over and over in my mind. I kept thinking “this guy is really crazy and is gonna kill me or hurt me very bad one of these days and thank god I am alive.” I ended up not having to worry about the money part of making a move. I found an apartment where I didn’t have to put any money down and if memory serves me correct I believe I only paid a $40.00 application fee to the apartment place so I could get approved. I really felt like someone was watching over me to help me get out of the situation. I admit when I was in the situation I felt stuck. 

 I found out later that he had been cheating on me during the whole 2 yrs, lucky for me I never caught anything in regards to an STD as I got tested just to be on the safe side. I was nervous waiting for the results, but getting tested is a must if you have been cheated on or in general it’s a good idea for anyone to get tested. It’s always better to know than wonder.

dv4

Looking back on the abuse and the situation I was in, I feel very lucky that I got the strength to get out before something worse could have happened. I never had children with this man and he never had any children. My advice to you is to not ever think you are stuck. I know it might feel like life will never get better and if you are a stay at home mom or don’t have any money, or you have children with your abuser, but there is always a way out.

Do you think your life is worth saving? I sure do. I wish I had spoken up more and told others what was really going on behind closed doors. I could have saved myself about 2 yrs of pain. It took me a while to where I felt like I was better in the sense of being able to open up and talk about what happened to me. I am okay talking about it now, as I know that I am not to blame. I told myself I would never allow another person to ever have control of me and my future or be abusive to me. You can’t always tell just by looking at someone if they are being abused of have been in a physically, mentally, verbally abusive relationship. You also can’t tell when a person is doing the abusing either. 

Me just a little over a year after I got out of an abusive relationship.

I am a Domestic Violence survivor. God Bless to you and I there is hope.

crystal and M

There is a great video from the lifetime channel called “No one would tell” it stars Candice Cameron (from Full House) and Fred Savage (from The Wonder Years). no one would tell You can find it on YouTube. This movie I feel does show the reality of what happens when a young person who is getting abused doesn’t speak up when the abuse first starts and when people notice what is going on the person getting abused makes excuses for the abuser. The ending is sad, but it’s the reality of what can happen if you don’t get away from the abuser and cut all ties with the person. There is another move called “Enough”  enoughthat stars Jennifer Lopez and this movie I like as well because it shows how an older woman has to fight to survive the abuse from her husband and make a better life for herself and her young daughter.

According to domestic violence statistics every 9 seconds a woman is beaten. This is so sad to me thinking this could be someone I know. This could be your mother, sister, niece, friend, daughter, aunt. There is no separation of age, race, or religion. The fact is domestic violence can affect anyone at anytime. Yes it does happen to men as well, but it is more common for a woman to be abused. In general men are much stronger than a woman and a man can defend himself much faster and over power a woman.

The next couple of facts are a bit shocking as well. Also according to domestic violence statistics:  

  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
  • Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
  • Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
  • Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.

Please think about everything I have said. I would like anyone reading this to learn from my story and feel comfortable to share their own story of survival. If you do choose to share your story this will be anonymous. I would also suggest when you do decide to make the decision to leave your abuser if you can have a plan of what you will do and when you will do it. Be very careful that if you do tell your abuser that you are leaving them and the situation they might get more violent than they had in the past. This does happen and many times woman are afraid to leave because of this. The worst thing to do is stay in the abuse. If someone who is abusive to you knows they can get away with it he or she will keep doing it. It’s very important to remember if we stay in the relationship the abuse will get worse over time and you might end up dead. You have to look out for you and your safety. Don’t let the abuser have control of your life anymore. You are the one in control of you and your future.

d2

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  • Blessed

    Hey Crystal, I too was in almost the identical situation that you found yourself,it is hard to admit to yourself that you made that big a mistake and your judgement was off so much!!! I lived with the man that abused me physically, emotionally and mentally for 10years , he was my husband and my children’s father. Now all these years later,his children have no respect for him and hardly have any thing to do with him. Me, I have a wonderful husband, a man who loves me and treats me like a queen.
    Have a blessed night and know I have not shared this with anyone before! I love your sight!
    Blessed

    • CrystalDuna

      Blessed,
      Thank you very much for sharing your story. I feel your pain. Wow 10years god bless you for making it out of the situation. I can only imagine how hard that would be even more so when you have children with the person. I know when a person is in the situation it can seem like life will never get better. I am thankful that we both had the strength to get out before something worse could have happened. Blessed from the things I do know about you, you are a survivor of many things and you are great lady. I am so happy you found happiness and true love with a man who respects you and loves you unconditionally. God Bless to you both.
      I am glad you like the blog. It does take lots of work since I work a full-time job so I don’t get to work on my blog as much as I want at the moment, but I plan for that to change in the future.